A Condition of Culture

What good are celebrity endorsements? They’re very good. Celebrities can dictate fashion and culture. No right-minded thug in the hood would drink Alize from just looking at the bottle or even from tasting it’s in your face sickly-sweet fruit assault. But Tupac drank Alize, and suddenly real manly men were necking alcoholic beverages that were best suited to 14 year old white girls crying on a park swing at 2am.

It’s amazing what they can do. However you may notice celebrities don’t often endorse, not are they asked to endorse, things like chemotherapy treatments, missile logistic software, or innovations in mineral extraction. That’s because these are complicated things, and celebrities, like many modern politicians, cannot process complicated things.

Celebrities prefer to be admired and gushed over, like notorious serial killers on death row who receive thousands of love letters from women who have truly given up on pursuing the non-existent Mr Perfect that their silly childhood books said exist. And there’s nothing better than receiving praise for doing nothing, this is the coolest hustle in history.

A celebrity can stand in front of a crowd and declare that they stand against racism, and the crowd will cheer. The celebrity will tell their adoring fandom that this is in fact a very brave thing to do, and the crowd agree, even though the concept of racism is almost unanimously denounced by the entire western world, and denouncing it is about as radical as a white girl wiping mayonnaise from her lip with a beige handkerchief in an egg shell white room; they still insist they are stunning and brave.

A celebrity endorsing a political party that is endorsed by 90% of the entertainment industry is as startling as Candace Owens denouncing abortion at a pro-life convention, you’re not going to raise too many eyebrows and your mansion will not be fire bombed by Rob Reiner.

Celebrity endorsements aren’t worth shit to intelligence, but are great for shallow one stop thinkers. Taylor Swift could endorse a eugenics program and thousands of little girls across the globe would get tattoos of Margaret Sanger on their recently cosmetically enlarged behinds (inspired by Kim K and the Cuties PR team). Dave Chappelle once joked about “somebody get Ja Rule on the phone so he can make sense of all this”, well sorry Dave, this is 2020 and Ja Rule is consulting an inner city commission on tax credits funded by the DNC.

I blame Tony Blair, because before he decided to invite Bono to the Northern Ireland peace talks, we had almost won the war on nonsense.
Thing about politics is it’s best left to people who understand stuff, and celebrities, especially musicians, ought to just do what they do, make music and sleep with fans. I’m about as interested in hearing who Future thinks you should vote for as I am hearing a Mike Pence DJ set at Sidewinder, stick to your lanes please.